Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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