i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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