ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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