My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
