honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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