He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
