I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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