I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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