He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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