she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
