True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
