My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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