I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
