Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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