Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
