idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
