I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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