This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
