I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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