WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
