When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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