I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
