how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
