Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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