Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
