I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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