I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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