Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
