How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
