just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize