Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
