my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
This toilet bowl is my home.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
