i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
