I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
