Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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