i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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