He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
