i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
