just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
