I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize