there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
