She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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