I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
