for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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