I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
