So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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