I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
