I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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