so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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