census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Randomize
