There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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