Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.

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(760): View more from California

fuck your aforementioned shoe

Fav 27 4796 974
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(703): View more from Virginia

you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

Fav 35 9019 1973
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(406): View more from Montana

Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.

Fav 18 6757 1311
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(907): View more from Alaska

I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

$450 apparently whoopwhoop

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(830): View more from Texas

So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now

Fav 0 43 16
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