my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
