I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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