Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
