I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
