Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
