I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
