I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
