My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
