So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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