I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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