I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
