What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
