So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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