i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
