Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Randomize
