I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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