I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
