I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
