did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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