i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
