Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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